I remember sitting down and writing a post about the fresh emotions motherhood had brought upon me. How shocked I was to feel things so deeply and how sheepish I felt that I had scoffed at mamas that had been such wrecks when I had simply sat back and thought “deal with it, everyone does”.
Well, here we are again folks.
Yup, here I am, a slightly sheepish, incredibly weepy mama of one – back to tell you or maybe more like admit to you – those visceral emotions I felt so strongly at the beginning of this journey never actually seem to go away completely, they just ebb and flow with the seasons. I can’t decided if that’s beautiful or an incredibly mean trick from mother nature. Either way, here we are, back in weepy, sentimental, worrywart mom territory.
I’ve been coasting blissfully down the river of mat leave, counting down in the back of my head till September 1st. I knew once the new school year hit, I’d have to start taking a good hard look at what was next after mat leave. I was trying hard to prepare myself for this reality, especially not knowing specifically what I was going to be doing next. Would I go back to my job? Would I stay at home and do some childcare? Would something else come up? With each possible choice, there were a hundred other little reactionary decisions that would have to be made. Part of me tried to keep it out of my brain and embrace the moment, but the other part of my brain wanted to emotionally prepare myself that I wouldn’t be living the mat leave life forever.
Part of this comes down to my trust in God’s faithfulness. I knew He already knew our circumstances and situation better than we did. He knows what we need for this next stage of life better than we could ever predict or imagine. He had seen us this far along and I knew he wouldn’t quit now. There is beautiful hope and security in that, but like all human beings – there is a fear of the unknown (All the control freaks shout amen).
Without getting into all the details (we’ll save those for another post) and in the truest sense of bittersweet, I was offered a full time job at our church. It’s truly a Godsend. It’s the perfect mix for my administrative abilities and my passion and drive to pastor and work with people..but, for the first time ever – the downside is – it’s full time. It’s also starting a month earlier than when I expected to go back to work. I wasn’t ready, my brain was still a month away from being prepared.
Cue the waterworks.
It was exactly what I had been praying for, in fact what many of my community around me had been praying for me. A job I’d be truly using my schooling, in the place I love, working with many people that I love. If you had asked me not too long ago I would have leapt at it, sold my kidneys for it, maybe even caught a grenade for it…truly – I mean it – it is the best possible job I could want in this time of our lives. But as I’ve walked through this last season of motherhood – as our lead pastor often says Home is the prize, that phrase could not ring truer.
Home is the place where my heart lives in the form of a blue eyed, gap toothed baby girl. (Guys, I actually just teared up writing that – Lord help me).
Never in my life did I think I would be this emotional about having to find childcare and missing moments of my baby’s development. I actually very clearly remember saying out loud when working at a daycare ‘Now having worked in a daycare and seeing how well other people can love children that aren’t theirs, I would have no problem with daycare.'” Ha.
I’d like you to all give a warm welcome back to today’s addition of That Mom.
That mom that after finalizing this new work plan, got on her computer to figure out childcare and couldn’t stop crying with every page click.
That mom that every time her husband tried to comfort her, she kept wailing “You don’t understand!!! What if she chokes and no one sees?! What if she falls down and no one comforts her? What if no one is paying attention and she hurts herself?! She can’t just be some generic child at daycare!!! She’s our babbbbyy!!!” (So much for all my best laid plans to teach my child she’s not the centre of the universe)
That mom that is GREEN with envy that her husband will have more days home with her baby than she does.
That mom that is trying to find childcare that will let her visit on her lunch breaks (Helicopter parenting here we come).
That mom that now cries every time she cuddles or nurses her little girl, knowing soon, someone else will be cuddling her baby mid day for her nap.
Suddenly all those clingy mothers that I’d roll my eyes at, all had very understandable legitimate fears and tears.
This mama, is once again humbled by the power and emotion of a mother’s love.
Although this job is bringing all sorts of unknowns, I know it is the right decision. I trust that God cares about all of the big and little details. He knew where I’d be working, he knows who will best love my baby in this season. He knows and I trust him. I am excited to begin working again and with people I love. I know this move is the one we need to get us to the next stage…but that certainly doesn’t mean I’m not going to grieve the end of this sweet stage of life I have cherished and loved so much.
After all..home is the prize.