Man oh man. This week was the longest and shortest week of my life. I feel the true definition of this week could be “mixed emotions”.
Monday – I was so excited to see Finn at the end of the day and relieved she didn’t seem too bothered to leave me in the morning – but then I was so upset she didn’t seem excited to see me at the end of the day. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ME ALREADY?! YOU DON’T EVEN CARE THAT I WAS GONE ALL DAY!
Tuesday – First day of official childcare, our (I’ll call her supermom – because she is) is amazing and it is such a relief to know Finn’s in such good hands. As I walked up the front steps to pick her up, she saw me in the window and burst into tears. The sudden dawning that mom was actually not with her seemed to suddenly catch her off guard. That night I had to go out and when I got home Jordan said she was fussier than she had been in months. SHE MISSES ME TOO MUCH – THIS IS TOO PAINFUL. Cue crying myself to sleep in Jordan’s arms as I painfully calculate just how much time I spend with her versus away from her.
Wednesday – We have a women’s group that meets at the church on Wednesday mornings which our supermom attends with Finn. Normally every lady without a baby is vying to snuggle her for a few minutes and I am more than happy to oblige and eat my freshly toasted scones and hot coffee in a timely matter. This time however, she was fussy and while I probably could have gotten away with holding her, this is now my place of work and I needed to make sure my responsibilities took priority, as it is really isn’t in my job description to be there – they just are kind to me and let me attend. Alisha (our supermom) does a perfect job of attending to Finn’s needs, I knew she would be fine but I still secretly welled up with tears as I watched her put Finn in the carrier and sway her to sleep. I felt a twinge of jealousy as I watched moms struggle to balance their breakfast with one arm and squirmy little ones with the other. I WANT TO HOLD MY FUSSY BABY AND EAT MY SNACK WITH ONE ARM.
Thursday – We hustled through the morning routine, wolfing down breakfast and hurrying out the door, complaining about traffic and we raced to get Finn to daycare on time, we parted ways with a kiss on our way to our offices. I answered emails, made phone calls, left the building for coffee with just a purse and not a caravan worth of bags and baby supplies. I sat down for an appointment with a woman and I got to encourage her, speak life to her, smile with her and commiserate and empathize with the frustrations and challenges of life, I got to tell her she is not alone. This is my life now, I get to spend time connecting with people. To speak life and truth to them. That age old adage “love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life?” It’s true. I’ve found it. I love it. The ache of missing Finn is soothed by the thrill of my job. I got back in my car after leaving my appointment and it hit me: I AM GETTING PAID TO DO WHAT I LOVE.
Friday – As I heard the cars splashing down my street this morning and over the monitor I could hear my tiny stirring in her crib, I brought her back to my bed and snuggled her. I nursed her, I kissed her squishy cheeks and stroked her chubby little hand. I waited for the sting of reality that mornings spent snuggling in bed were now in short supply – but the sting didn’t come. It wasn’t painful, it was a matter of fact. It was…peaceful. I’ve traded in my slow, snuggly mornings, but I’ve gained an inspirational, passion-filled job – and it makes getting out of bed worth it.
Week one is in the bag. My days now have promising moments of hot coffee and my Friday evenings are extra special.
We are doing it, and still smiling.