The days are ticking by faster than I’d like.
My “I start work next month” has continued to disintegrate into “in two weeks” which has dissolved into “On Monday”.
As I shared in my post announcing I was heading back to work, I said my new job is a perfect blend of my skills, schooling and passions. Which is true. I’ve been asked what i will be doing and I’ll give you a quick snapshot..I’m not 100% sure of the title so I’m going to make it up – so no one buy me a plaque for my door until I know for sure ok?
I am the “Pastoral Care Assistant”. So I’ll be working under two of our pastors – 1 – Our Recovery Pastor – A social worker by trade (who happened to graduate with my mom a few years back funny enough), he works with many of the marginalized, addicted and homeless people in our city, running our recovery programs, counselling, resourcing etc. 2. Our Pastor Of Care – who is responsible for another chunk of the care work done at our church, counselling, divorce care, loving our senior population and a few other groups.
I get to assist these two guys both administratively and with some counselling support. I said to Jordan the other night, I’m so excited because I feel like I’m heading into this job knowing about 70% of what I need to (the people, the place, the admin stuff) and the other 30% is the unknown learning curve, but it feels great to be coming in from a place of confidence and excitement to be working in the place I’ve waited for for so long (I finished my degree in 2011). I knew my talents, my abilities, my strengths, and my weaknesses but I didn’t have a specific position I was hoping to work in but I trusted God that he would put me in the right spot. And this is perfect – a little of both of the things I love.
I think I would probably say this is the perfect job for this season.
At least I did…
I find human nature funny..or perhaps depressing, at least, mine is. My mom calls this being “a bit of an Eyore”
Months ago I kept saying “I’d be totally happy to go back to work if I was working at GT (our church).”, but as time inched closer to the end of my mat leave, I’d made peace with the fact that that wasn’t going to be the case. I was beginning to make other arrangements and then this position dropped from the sky.
Suddenly as this new job became a reality, all I could see were the words FULL TIME – I realized I was going to be gone all day from my baby. OCTOBER 17th – I was going to have to go back to work a month earlier than when my mat leave was officially done. Along with a few other things that suddenly looked so daunting and I realized – this is it. This is the end of maternity leave. It’s over. I was suddenly having my Eyore moment.
My poor, poor husband. He missed the day in his husband course where trying to be the voice of reason and remind your emotional wife of what she’d said in the past only makes her more irrationally upset. Oops
I wailed. I cried, I didn’t want to go back. This was a mistake.
I had a billon reasons why this new “dream job” was a terrible idea.
I’m actually impressed with my own selfishness. I suddenly managed to take a situation that I had been hoping and praying for for literally years, and I managed to make it the worst possible job in the whole wide world, all within twenty minutes and possibly low blood sugar, but that’s another issue.
I had to simmer a bit. I had to examine my feelings. I think Jordan needed me to examine my feelings – because he had run out of explanations for my insane, sudden negative-Nancyisms. After some soul searching and ice cream, I realized – it had nothing to do with an actual job title, if it was five hours a week or forty, or that it was a month early. The issue was the ache.
The ache that mamas everywhere feel. I believe it’s called love. It was me scrambling for justification to not go to work, to stay and soak in every giggle, pudgy hand on my face and new milestone. But truthfully – the job is perfect and I know it is the right place for this season. The perfect childcare came along and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Every piece has fallen into place as neatly as it possibly could. The only piece that is missing, is me missing my baby. It’s the working mama ache.
So instead I’ll look at it this way – it’s more concentrated, cherished moments in the morning with my girl. It’s the thrill of being reunited at the end of every day. It’s commuting to work with my husband, getting to sit in staff meetings with him, pursuing the work dreams we’ve dreamt of for so long. It’s adult conversations all day and bath time and cuddles all evening. It’s making “Friday afternoons” mean something significant again. It’s the opportunity to work towards buying our first home. It’s exciting new roads we’ve never traveled. There is so many great moments hemmed into this new adventure, I just had to look for them.
This job is wrapped in many thrilling things including the blessing of the ache of knowing a piece of my heart is playing happily and being well loved in another part of town. And isn’t it thrilling to love a someone so much that it aches.
Working mamas – I salute you.