“What would you do if you couldn’t fail?”
That question seems like it would produce the same excitement as when you say to someone “what would you do if you won the lottery?”, where you immediately begin listing off the endless possibilities. But for me, it was a little bit vulnerable. People would know what I was holding back because I was afraid. So like all people who are interested in something but don’t want anyone else to know..I asked myself when no one else was around. “What would I do if I couldn’t fail?” And you know what I’d do?
I drew a complete blank. I didn’t know.
How terrible was that? Did I even have a dream? I could tell you my sixth grade dream (“Become a veterinarian and run an animal shelter that looks cool, with like, rainbows and things” – Direct quote). Now, I felt disappointed in myself that I couldn’t think up a dream that seemed life changing or inspiring.
My life coach, aka my husband (Did I say life coach? I meant sugar daddy), being the type A planner that he is has been trying to get me to set goals for my life since the beginning of my mat leave. “Mae Mae, we need to figure out what you’re going to do when your mat-leave’s up. Maybe sit down one day while Finn is sleeping and figure it out.” I think I had a few choice words for the naive simplicity of his request. Maybe if he had phrased it like, “Mae Mae, now that you are practically Mother Earth and have brought forth life and my first born child, if there was ever a free moment where you weren’t doing all the wonderfully valuable things you somehow manage to find time to complete in a day while tending to our attention seeking newborn, I would very much appreciate that once you have dazzled me once again with your baby lullabies and put our darling princess to sleep, if you would take a moment for yourself, make yourself a latte and work on some personal development for a few minutes. That is, don’t worry about all the things around the house you wanted to get done, I’ll do them all when I get home, just after I swing by the florist and grab you that beautiful winter bouquet you’ve been eyeing up” (In all fairness, he never complains about things not getting done around the house when it just ends up as “one of thoooose days). That maybe would have ended in a warmer reception to his suggestion. Actually, I can think of a lot of things that would get done if he asked in this general format for everything.
Maybe if I was honest with myself, my frustration came from a place that felt silly because I already knew what my reach for the stars dream was.. “have a successful blog that i can write about my life and get paid doing it”. Not really the inspiring dream responses you’d hear from others. Maybe because it just sounds so reachable? My dream needed to be more unattainable, more inspiring! But really…did it? Does it make it any less of a dream if it’s something you might actually have a chance at doing? If not, my dream should be “Have 20/20 vision, fantastic hand eye coordination and pursue a career in extreme sports!” None of those things are attainable for me. Mostly because I’m blind as a bat, which doesn’t help with the coordination, and I get nervous when my husband takes a corner too fast or if I have to stand on a surface any higher than my counter, which means, extreme sports are also most likely out.
Finally one day I realized that that little idea in the back of my head of something I’d love to do – that was my dream. That’s what I wanted to do. (Along with a handful of other things, but this was one I had the means and opportunity to begin right now.) Thankfully, my husband believes in me and his response when I finally told him was “Ok so what do we need to do to get that moving?” God bless him. We mapped out a plan. He took Finn for the day, I took a laptop, a notebook and a pair of headphones, headed to the nearest coffee shop, plugged myself in and began to research. Budgets, start ups, courses, what did I need? What did I not? What kind of time commitment? What kind of resources? I wrote it all down, I watched a lot of youtube videos. I drank a billion americanos. I came home prepared, and over caffeinated. I sat down Dragon’s Den style and laid out my proposal.
So here I am. This website is intentionally called Honestly, Amy because I feel that’s the direction this is heading. I value transparency. I value relationships. I truly believe we become closer when we are honest with who we are, the struggles we have, the things we feel victorious in, and in the spirit of honesty, I’ve been told that’s one of my best qualities – so it makes for a quippy title. I don’t know how it will go. I know I have a lot to learn (this girl doesn’t even own Adobe and is learning everything from youtube clips at the moment.) The domain has been purchased (the fact that I now know what a domain is just shows how much I’ve learned. Pat on the back.) The theme package installed. I don’t know why this feels more vulnerable than the last site, maybe because with this, I’ll have to be more intentional and I’m actually working towards something. Not just “if people read it, they read it” but I suppose that’s part of the risk.
Thanks for stopping by. I hope my charming sarcasm and cute baby pictures will bring you back again.